Okay, so, Josh Allen. I know we say this basically every single week now, but I need you to actually sit with what happened Sunday, because I think people are underselling it already by Tuesday, which is insane to me.
Dark Phoenix hosts the Drunken Badgers in Houston, and it’s not one of those games where Allen just picks apart a bad defense in garbage time and pads the stat line. This is a real game. Badgers are up, atmosphere’s loud, and Allen just decides, nope, not today.
Let’s do the numbers first because they’re absurd on their own before we even get to the fun part. 20 of 29, 334 yards through the air, two touchdown passes, zero picks. Zero. Against a defense that can get after you. And then — this is the part I can’t get over — six carries, 23 yards, two more touchdowns on the ground. Four total touchdowns. Four. That’s a video game stat line, and he’s doing it in year nine like it’s nothing.
Now the plays, because this is where it gets stupid. Second quarter, he’s punching in touchdown runs of 21 yards and one yard, so he’s got the balance thing going, short-yardage bulldozer and home-run hitter in the same fifteen minutes. Then through the air, 43-yard touchdown to DJ Moore, who by the way had five catches for 100 yards and a score himself, so that connection is not slowing down. Dalton Kincaid quietly has five catches for 130 yards, which, if you’re not paying attention to that tight end, you need to start.
But the dagger, the actual signature moment of the day, is the 34-yard touchdown to Joshua Palmer with 1:36 left. Game-winning drive. Allen’s 26th career game-winning drive, which is a ridiculous number for a guy who’s still, what, 29, 30 years old. And it wasn’t a bunch of dink-and-dunk to get there either. Dark Phoenix had two separate 96-yard touchdown drives in this game, combining for ten total plays. Ten plays for 192 yards and two scores. That’s not an offense, that’s a cheat code.
Now here’s the number that’s going to make your fantasy league group chat implode if it hasn’t already: 46.96 fantasy points. Forty-six. Point. Nine. Six. If you had him and you’re in any kind of points-per-reception or QB premium format, congratulations, you basically already won your week before Sunday afternoon games even kicked off. If you were playing against him, I’m sorry, there was nothing to be done. You do not have an answer for a guy who’s throwing for over 300, running for two scores, and closing the door with a fourth-quarter dime.
I keep waiting for the point where Allen levels off a little, where the wear and tear catches up, and he just keeps not doing that. This was one of the better all-around single-game performances we’re going to see out of any quarterback all season, and it happened in week one, at home in Houston, against the Drunken Badgers of all teams.