I kept refreshing the Leatherheads scoreboard Sunday night because I assumed something was broken. Four games, all Hail Mary against Sea of Hands, and Hail Mary won every one of them by a combined 200 points. I’ve seen closer scrimmages by the Alamo Heights High School varsity team and the JV (that is a local SA reference, I miss it).
So I went looking for Sea of Hands’ excuse. Somebody over there had to have one.
Grindhouse Zombies 162.25, G.A.M.E. 85.48
Let’s start with Josh, because I owe him one. In September I wrote a whole column about him starting Trevor Lawrence over Cam Ward and losing. This week he started Lawrence again, and Lawrence went for 36.66, the best quarterback score in the league. Ward sat on the bench with 7.54.
Did Josh learn something? I don’t think so. I think he kept starting the same guy until the guy finally showed up, which is a strategy, I guess, in the way that leaving your umbrella at home is a weather forecast. But it worked, and I said I’d give him credit, so here it is. Credit. Enjoy it, Josh. It’s not coming back soon.
The other side of this is where it gets uncomfortable. G.A.M.E. walked in leading Sea of Hands and scored 85.48. Four Grindhouse players outscored Barry’s entire lineup. And I want to be fair to Barry, I really do, because his best possible lineup was 91.63. His lineup was fine. The roster just showed up and quietly declined to participate.
In the preseason I called this team fine and forgettable. It’s still leading the division, at 4-3, on a three-game losing streak, and I think that says a lot more about Sea of Hands than it does about G.A.M.E.
One blowout skewing the total is the easy excuse. Take this game out and Hail Mary still won the other three by 123 points. Next excuse.
Angels of Harlem 163.78, Hitmen 130.90
High score of the week. Yay, me. My best game of the season. And I’m 2-5, three games out in my own division, which is the kind of thing that makes you want to log off and go outside.
In the draft grades I said I couldn’t name my WR2. Tre Tucker scored 22.35 this week. On my bench. So I can name him now. I just apparently can’t start him. Anybody who wants to roast Josh for a lineup decision should know I’ve personally lost that privilege.
Freddie will tell you it’s the quarterback, and he has a point. Michael Penix outscored Dak Prescott by more than ten from the bench. Put Penix in and Hitmen still lose by 22. Freddie has the right answer to the wrong question.
Carnivorous SilverBacks 138.12, Samurai Warriors 85.41
JT put up his best score of the year and now leads Hail Mary at 5-2. Good for JT. That’s genuinely all I have.
Samurai is the one I can’t get past. Three quarterbacks on the roster. Kirk Cousins scored 29.02. Jameis Winston scored 7.54. Winston started. I’ve thought about this for two days, and I’m being completely serious, I can’t come up with the reasoning. The only reason to carry three quarterbacks is that you get to pick one. Samurai picked, and they picked the third one.
Even with Cousins in that slot, Samurai still loses by 31. Starting Winston just made it look worse.
The Eh Team 142.44, Krypton Knights 104.26
This one’s short because the game was over early. The good news is Josiah Trotter was in the lineup, and gave The Eh Team 10.75. Back in the Hufanga column I said pick 303 was a better story when he’s actually starting. This was that story. Small victory lap, on his behalf.
Here’s the part that bugs me. The Eh Team has scored the second-most points in the league and they’re 3-4. If anyone in this whole column has earned the right to complain about luck, it’s them. And they won by 38.
The Only Excuse Left
I gave every Sea of Hands team its perfect lineup. Every bench decision fixed, every mistake undone. They still go 0-4. You could hand the four of them a time machine and a cheat sheet and they lose all four games.
The one argument that actually holds up is the standings, and to be honest, it’s a good one. Coming into Sunday, Sea of Hands was 13-11 as a division and Hail Mary was 10-14. One week flipped it to 14-14 and 13-15. I don’t think that makes Hail Mary the better division. I think it had the better Sunday, and the season gap is one game.
So Sea of Hands has one game to make up. And sitting at the bottom of the division they’re chasing, at 2-5, is the team that just put up the high score of the week. That’s me. Hail Mary is so deep this week that its last-place team is outscoring everybody, and Sea of Hands still can’t catch it.
